We cruise from Luxor to Aswan ... and back!

NILE CRUISE on M/V SEMIRAMIS 3

Taxi arrived at 11 and we head to where the boats are parked side by side near Luxor Bridge.

Ours was the Semiramis 3, a friendly looking ship, not the newest but clearly maintained in top condition.

Nile Cruise ships are all pretty much the same … lower deck is the restaurant, middle deck is the bar and some cabins (including ours, in pole position right by the reception area) upper deck, more cabins and top, open deck where you spend all your time on chairs and loungers.

I was accompanied by a friend’s daughter on this trip.

Emilie

Emilie Rosset, whom I have known since she was born, and whose mother was my best friend until she tragically died of cancer, is a bubbly, energetic and Egypt-mad young lady whose presence on-board was only going to enliven things up somewhat!!

Our adjacent cabins were more or less at water level and with their panoramic windows afforded perfect views of the Nile. When I discovered you could actually open them too and lie on your bed listening to the swish of the water as we moved along, Emile and I would pop our heads out of our respective windows and chat away as we slid silently down the river

Our fellow passengers were almost all Egyptians, a fact I greatly appreciated. There would be no unruly and lewd parties organised by the British contingent, which featured rather strongly the last time I did this!

In fact I made myself very unpopular with a rather dreary English lady when commenting on Facebook on how gratifying it was that a heavily tattooed English couple, clearly of the sort I referred to and already the worse for wear when they boarded, were politely shown to a neighbouring boat where Brits of their ilk were already enjoying a jolly knees up on deck.

We leave Luxor

Our progress down the Nile was slow and definitely majestic! The great thing about these cruises is the ability to observe life on the riverbank from a safe (and sanitised) distance.

As someone who has done the ultimate Nile cruise a few times, 4 nights on an open decked Felucca where you pitch up alongside the riverbank every night, your loo are the bushes, and food is bartered from fisherman as you meet as you sail along, I felt the occasional pang of regret that on was not able to stop the boat and meet some of the people, specially the kids, waving enthusiastically to you from the river bank.

But this was another experience completely and one, which I knew I was going to enjoy from the moment we left! Observing life little changed from medieval times from a lounger with a cold beer!

Riverside

Progress was relaxed as we headed towards Edfu, our first port of call and where we would spend the night.  We sailed past villages on the river bank where children playing, mostly dressed in bright coloured clothes that had seen better days would pause their mayhem and shout “Helloooo” at the tops of their voices. Few would wave back from the ship, but Emilie and I always made the effort, which invariably brought a whole lot more children out of the houses who then joined in!

The villages looked somewhat desolate, with the usual rubble, dust and rubbish blowing about, but occasionally a single, or even a whole block, 2 or 3 storeys high, of brightly painted houses, all different colours, would appear which was in stark contrast to the dark brown mud houses that dominated most places we passed.

Each village had a small mosque, with the usual rocket-thin minaret soaring up into the sky and one of the unforgettable experiences of the whole trip was to be sailing at dusk (around 6pm) and to hear the Adhan, or call to prayer reverberate around the river.

Adhan

The call to prayer starts quietly but soon reaches a crescendo which then lasts for about 5 or ten minutes (how the time is judged I am unsure). It certainly has an unearthly feel to it, especially the one that starts at about 4am! In the silence of the night it envelops you completely and is one of the most amazing sounds I know.

The top deck was where we spent most of the day, and one cannot help but think back to the days when a cruise down the Nile would be part of the great travel experience the upper classes would undertake on their way to or back from India!

Tea time!

Afternoon tea was served at 4pm. Maybe not quite the sort of bygone years, but served in china cups with saucers, even if you had to queue up at the bar to have the tea poured out from a thermos flask and the milk was … yikes … hot!!

Tea of course came with cake, and I have to say the Battenberg served aboard was excellent!

A tablecloth 

At about 5 o’clock a noticed a group of passengers congregated on the rail some of them shouting down at something or someone on the decks below. I went to investigate.

A tiny blue rowing boat had tied up alongside, as we moved along, and 2 small kids, aged maybe 12 and 14 were shouting the odds on all sorts of stuff they were flogging. This was wonderful.

If anyone even remotely expressed an interest in anything, they would bag it up and with incredible accuracy hurl it up the 3 storeys to where we were and where it would land almost directly at our feet.

Everything that came up went back down again, and so of course Muggins here started feeling sorry for the 2 jolly little fellows down below and shouted down a question about the rather smart tablecloth one of them was holding. My question drew a crowd and so I felt I had to continue ….!

E£300 came the tongue in cheek reply and up flew said tablecloth wrapped tightly in a plastic bag! 

The tablecloth itself was actually rather nice with Egyptian motifs artfully spaced around it. It was the right size too … so I decided to buy it!

My reaction to start off a haggling process is to say, with mock indignation something like “Don’t be ridiculous…” which I shouted down to the boys. Their faces became serious … and so the process began.

I managed to drag them down to E£130 at which point their attention waned somewhat, so I knew we had reached rock bottom!

“OK” I said, and before I knew where I was the onlookers clapped and at the same time up flew another bag with 8 matching napkins. A result!!

I was instructed to send the money down by airmail .. at which point I pointed out to them that at that precise moment I had their tablecloth, their napkins AND their money … they looked slightly worried.

The process ended by my sending down a weighted bag with E£150 in it … they seemed pleased … I certainly was and am looking forward to recounting the story of the tablecloth again and again … that is if it really is cotton and doesn’t disintegrate in the wash!

The food ... of course

The food onboard the boat was just up my street, though can imagine some wouldn’t like it as it’s a buffet.

Without seeming to be rude, it has to be said that some of the largest people I have ever seen in my life we onboard, clearly captivated by the chance and encouraged to literally eat as much as they possibly could!

For me, a buffet means multiple passes for tiny amounts of most things that takes my fancy. I enjoy putting a few pieces together and enjoying the mix.

The best was the quite brilliant cream cheese type of thing, which makes both Mozzarella and Feta seem thin by comparison! There was always a bowl of fresh tomatoes and to mix these with a bit of salt and some olive oil in a flatbread was the best starter I could think of!

The mains were excellent too. A choice of a meat main course (usually roast or grilled chicken) again my absolute favourite (you are maybe getting the idea that despite my reputation as a foodie I am in fact exceptionally simple in my tastes!)  with some excellent rice or some nice roasted potatoes and vegetables.

Puddings were ample too, with lots of sweet things, such as an excellent Crème Caramel which I am afraid I rather monopolised, it being my favourite pudding and one I have never really tried to make, which I mixed with some fresh fruit salad.

Whilst this all sounds somewhat excessive as I said, I would go and take extremely small servings which is not quite what the others would do, as they would parade through the dining room with the most enormous plates of food, piled high .. only to return to the food tables again for more. This would happen at breakfast lunch and dinner and so the amount of food consumed by some people was truly staggering!

One evening Emilie and I decided to lash out on a bottle of Egyprtian wine.  We chose a white, of indeterminate grape variety … none of the Chardonnay Daahlink stupidity here …. Which was rather good. Its name was Scherezade.

Unfortunately being French it wasn’t quite to Emilie’s taste and so I was left to drink the bloody lot – being quite used to the 2 buck chuck stuff they sell in Italy - and which meant that by 11 at night I was feeling pretty smashed!

By and large the food was excellent and the service stellar … everyone being so friendly. I do think the lack of European tourists made the serving staff more relaxed as ‘we’ apparently do have a reputation for being difficult.

1st night

At about 8pm we arrived in Edfu, the site of one of my favourite and best preserved temples in Egypt. But that particular visit was left to the next morning and we all settled down for our first night on the boat in our very comfortable cabins

Slept like a log with the window open .. yes a few mosquitoes came in but they don’t kill so put up with it just for the sheer pleasure of being able to look out and see the river literally in front of the window.

Breakfast next morning was a mad stampede as we were meant to be off to the temple by 0800. Again absolutely vast quantities of food consumed which was hilarious!

Edfu Grand Prix

By 0800 we were all outside where a battalion of caleches were waiting with the drivers screaming seemingly at each other and at us in no particular order. The sound was amazing but we had absolutely no idea what was going on!

We got onboard a pretty manky looking caleche after the usual haggling on price, which frankly I am not terribly good at at that time of the morning and shot off towards the temple.

It really was like a Grand Prix with all the caleches overtaking and undertaking each other on the road and going as fast as they possibly could. What the hurry was I failed to see.

I am afraid I called a halt to the whole thing on the pretext on wanting to take a photo of something, at which point we warned the driver to calm down and take things easy or there would be ‘no tips!”  He smiled and thereafter was brilliant. He got his tips!

I love the temples and tombs of Egypt but for their visual impact, rather than their history which frankly I find at times tedious.I am not one who overly believes all the fairy stories about "life' in those days .... we can't remember what we did yesterday, and so I suspect some of the stories which are 4000 years old are a little made up! 

Historians I always find rather boring people, with the notable exception of the son of a friend of mine, who went to Eton and then graduated from Oxford in history and whose infectious enthusiasm for the subject is quite amazing. I would go anywhere with him (and indeed have been!) to listen to him talk, but I’m afraid on the whole people pontificating interminably about the history of somewhere usually sends me to sleep, Phyllis Stein that I am and it why I prefer the tombs to the temples as the 4000 year old art to be found in them is wonderful.

But Edfu is different. It’s shere size as it towers above you when you approach it is visual drama par excellence and the carvings and hieroglyphics on the walls, or pylons as they are called are done with such artistry and detail.

We spent a good hour there and I loved it. The weather was sunny but not as yet too hot, the sky blue, the sights amazing and it was nice to see a good number of tourists thronging the place. I am a little dubious about the much vaunted claim that tourism here is 'on it's knees' ... it just isn't!

We posed under the statue of Horus, marvelled at the majestic size of the place, looked closely at the carvings, tried to make out what they meant and then braved the barrage of utter tat for sale in the bazaar on the way out _ China has a lot to answer for - and after an hour and a half were back in our caleche.

Sartorial necessities

On the way back to the boat we stopped for some errands, Emilie to buy suncream and shampoo (girls!!) and me to have my shoes polished.

I have got to the age where I don’t like travelling like a slob (not that I ever did) and so shoe cleaning and shoe cleaners of which there are many and cheap is an integral part of a days’ activity. Sad, I know!

We leave for Aswan

Back on board the Semiramis 3 we were welcomed with hot hand towels and a cooling drink which was a great touch and soon were were heading off into the river again, past fields of crops, sugar and other fields with dairy cows or buffaloes dotted here ad there, headed for Aswan. The whole scene looked like a painting.

The sun came over the proverbial yardarm at about 6pm and so it was time to order a chilled beer, which came in a chilled glass, a few peanuts (well, crisps actually as no peanuts) and to kick back on the rattan furniture (real, not plastic) and pretend we were sitting on the deck of another, more famous, Nile cruiseship called the Sudan, which I had seen in Luxor a few days previous.

It also soon became apparent that we were due something rather special and quite rare this evening an that was a sunset of spectacular proportions.

Sunset aboard

People get very excited about sunsets … almost all sunsets, but the secret of a really good sunset is the presence of clouds. They make an ordinary “going down of the sun” something extraordinary.

The sky slowly put on one of the most spectacular shows I think I have ever seen,  turning a deep shade of red and yellow, which reflected spectacularly onto the wide expanse of river too as well as lighting up the clouds (which were of the ‘fluffy’ sort) 

The whole show was absolutely mesmerising and of course as I had my ‘big ’camera with me I was in high demand to take photos of various people on the boat with the sunset behind them and forward to them on Facebook. At the last count I think I have about 8 people using my photos as their profile photo!

The spectacular show ended after about ½ hour and it was time to go for dinner. Another wonderful offering taken liberal (and it must be said, hilarious) advantage of by the Egyptian contingent. 

It really is not often that I am made to feel in need of a good square meal, but the sight of all these people consuming quite incredible amounts of food made me feel quite self righteous!

DAY 2

Day 2 dawned bright and sunny and lo and behold we had moored up in Aswan. The idea that Nile cruises involve a lot of cruising up and down is unfortunately misplaced as one only in fact spends one night on the river itself. I found (and was annoyed) by this last time I did this, many years ago and the concept does not seem to have changed.

What I particularly dislike is the fact that the boats moor one next to each other sideways on, and therefore when opening your curtains in the morning you are presented with a view into someone else's cabin in the next ship.

But for we were lucky and were moored on the outside of the row of ships and so had a unobstructed view of the West bank at Aswan, which included the spectacular sight of the Mausoleum of the Aga Khan set high up one one of the hills overlooking the town.

Botanical gardens

Emilie and I met at our prearranged time (she is never late!) and wade into the usual morass of hawkers and fakirs trying to sell you anything that wasn’t strapped down.

We headed on a boat (with a worryingly wild looking driver) to the Aswan botanical gardens which is one place I have never been to. It is set on its own island in the middle of the river and which I must to say was just wonderful.

There seemed real order in the place with plants well marked and some of the most spectacular flowering Bougainvilea plants I have ever seen. All colours too, though predominantly red.

There were people sweeping and cleaning everywhere and one got the impression this was one place the people of Aswan took great pride in. We stopped for a rather poor cup of mint tea (for which we even had to haggle!) at a café at one end of the island, before returning to the other and rejoining out boat.

A strange experience

At this point things descended into a form of farce and highlighted to need to understand how the system of pricing works in Egypt.

I have a cast iron rule that I will not hire any means of transport until I have established quite clearly how much I am to pay. There is always the attempt by the person I am bargaining with to say “up to you” or some such idiotic suggestion, which I always dismiss, as at the end of the journey is not the time to be arguing about the price which should have been established before you leave.

But we did ask our skipper to take us on to somewhere else, quite close and when we got there I gsve him what was a perfectly reasonable 50% over and above the price we had originally agreed.

He unfortunately saw things differently and suggested I should pay him a quite absurd sum for the extra ½ mile, which I politely refused.

He took this refusal very badly indeed and proceeded to take the notes I had given him, tore them up in a frightful rage and threw them into the river.

Such shows of petulance these days leave me cold, but I am afraid Emilie was rather shaken and so was pleased when the skipper was roundly berated by a couple of locals standing nearby and so before the situation could escalate, we all left the scene and proceeded on our way. However it highlighted a useful lesson … always, but always agree a price for something beforehand.

We meet Mohsen and have lunch

Our next port of call, in another boat whose skipper spent almost the entire time apologising for his crazy compatriot was what is possibly my favourite hotel in Egypt – the Pyramisis island Hotel – to visit my friend Mohsen who is the artist in residence there and who I met for the first time last year when I actually stayed there.

An incredibly thoughtful soul, Mohsen is both a set designer for Egyptian TV and a gifted artist. We met and looked over his new work which I have to say was most impressive.

Mohsen kindly invited us for lunch at the restaurant which spectacularly overlooks the cateract area of Aswan which includes the historic Old Cateract Hotel set high on a bluff overlooking the whole town.

We remained at out table for about 2 hours chatting about this and that before it was time to leave and return to our ship.

We hired yet another small motorboat and had fun as this one had set up a table and chairs on the roof. It was great to be able to sit up so high and look at the views and so of course the cameras and phones came out for the obligatory selfies in such a spectacular and scenic environment.

Drinks at the Old Cateract and Philae Light show

Our return to the ship didn’t last long and soon we were off again, this time by road for our evening’s entertainment.

First a drink at the Old Cateract Hotel. This hotel, where Agatha Christie and others have stayed over the years is owned by the Sofitel Group, who also own the Winter Palace in Luxor, nad has recently been the subject of a huge overhaul.

It used to revel in its rather faded grandeur which I quite liked, but has been updated to be as razor sharp and blingtastic as any hotel you can imagine.

You can imagine my views on this and so will leave it at that, but what I do think is quite extraordinary is that the whole building has been painted what can only be described as  the most offensive shade of brown one can imagine.

It meant to be what the original building was painted in, but I remember it over the years as being a most wonderful shade of ochre. When I mentioned it to one of the managers and asked where the colour came from, he gave me an old fashioned look as if to say “its rather awful, isn’t it!”

We enjoyed our drinks though very much and took copious photos of Emilie looking very glamorous in various parts of the hotel.

It was soon time to leave our short lived flirtation with luxury and continue on to what would prove to be, at least for me, the highlight of this particular trip.

The Sound at Light Show at Philae island.

Philae I ddnt know is another temple that has been moved from its original location. When Lake Nasser was formed by the  construction of the Aswan High Dam, it was raised from where it was on and moved to an Island.

It is the inly temple that I know of that is located on an island and its sound and light show is very famous.

We arrived bang on time to board a small speedboat that would take us out to the island for the start at 1945

The trouble was that there was no one there! Not a single soul. We were told to wait for a while and soon a couple of American showed up with whom we would share a boat.

We assumed that any others were already out on the island and so set off. When we arrived we were shown into the auditorium only to realise that we were the only people who would see the show this evening!

The show itseld was of course spectacular with Omar Sharif narrating and a sort of dramatized history of the temple blasted out over the loudpeakers. The English was particularly convoluted and so I am afraid I rather lost track of what was being said, but it seemed to make sense to Emilie so maybe they were actually speaking French!

We were moved around the temple as the narration continued ending up at the end in a specially constructed outdoor auditorium which we were told seated 300 people. The four of us squeezed in with difficulty!

After an hour or so the show ended and we headed back to the mainland in our boat. It really had proved a wonderful evening.

And so ended out Nile Cruise, other than it didn’t ….as we were offered a rather good deal on returning to Luxor overnight with the same ship. It was returning to Luxor to pick up some new passengers to then head north to Dandara and Abydos and was making an overnight flit back to Luxor.

We thus extended out journey for another 18 hours and were able to see some of the sight we had missed on the way down as it was dark.

  

  

.

CAIRO

CAIRO

DEPARTURE FROM LUXOR

Travelling anywhere these days seems to involve getting up at some absolutely ungdly hour of the morning, making your way to an airport with a taxi, for which you pay twice as much for the 2- minute journey as you have paid for your flight to somewhere exotic three hours away and ending up at your destination so tired and disorientated that you spend the next day in bed to catch up.

Well, maybe not quite, but this mornings flight from Luxor airport to Cairo left at 6.30 and so, to be safe … something I am worryingly giving more attention to that I used to, I was picked up at 4.45am having walked down the path to the wonderful sound of the Adhan and saying good morning to the donkey on the way past.

The flight was full … mainly of a Mexican tour group and I got sat next to the largest Mexican I have ever seen. You have to admire their near constant state of euphoria and hilarious wonderment at everything that happens to them, but at 5 in the morning it can be a bit trying!

DRIVE INTO TOWN

I was picked up quite efficiently by the driver sent from the hotel I was staying in and before long we were out in the Cairo rush hour … 8.30am. I have to say that traffic interspersed with humour, like donkeys, or carts or even cows doesn’t worry me in the least …. This was just lung clogging traffic and was most unpleasant.

Every car without exception was bashed and scratched and the experience was not pleasant. All the houses seemed to be huge, but were crumbling and the ubiquitous beige. Every single house was beige! In Bourton on the Water that is very pretty … here Im afraid it wasn’t. 

WINDSOR HOTEL

I arrived at my hotel – called the Windsor and written up about with varying degrees of hysteria on TRipadvisor as being a ‘legacy’ hotel … a hotel which harks back to the times when the Brits ruled Cairo … it had a wonderful lift … and an even more wonderful bar, with the most ‘famous’ bar in Cairo etc etc. 

What confronted me was simply a fly-blown fleapit of a hotel which should be condemned on the spot and pulled down.

From the recipetion area, under about 2 inches of dust to the lift which surely has not been tested by health and safety since it was installed in 1892 to the dingy rooms with filthy bedcovers to the bathroom with no hot water … it was just appalling.

The only time I get despondant when travelling is when I am tired and so I lay on the bed and immediately booked my return flight to Luxor for tomorrow night. I have to say 24 hours later nothing I have seen has made me think my action was impulsive.

EGYPTIAN MUSEUM.

I walked to the Egyptian Museum. That I have to say is incredible … if you are into any form of `Egyptology.  My interest in Egyprian culture always has been to do with the art rather than the history and some of the art on the artefacts in the museum is breathaking.

The highlight is of course the Tutenkhamum room on the first floor. The funerary mask is truly one of the most amazing artefacts I have ever seen in my life and I do remember when I was in Cairo last, some 35-40 years ago, once could actually touch the mask if one asked the guardians to let you. I am thus one of the few people who have actually touched the funerary mask of Tutenkhamun! Now of course it is hidden behind plate glass and a bewildering array of security gadgets.

I was able to play to take ‘my own’ photograph of the mask too. I had, for E£50 bought a photographic pass to the museum, meaning you can go round photographing everything. But it appears you cant use your camera in the Tut room. As soon as I entered I made a B line for Tuts mask and snapped it before hthe guard pounced on me and told me to desist! 

But Ive got a photo pass I protested … apparently it doesn’t count in here. But I had my photo and so was happy!

The rest of the displays in the Tutenkhamun room are eqully wonderful and are laid out so well and clearly. It really is one of those experience everyone should do once in their lifetime!

CAIRO ITSELF

AS for the rest of Cairo … well, I cant say I have seen a huge amount but what I have seen I have found quite awful and have little appetite tomorrow to go out and see a whole lot more. 

It is by any standards absolutely filthy dirty with a disregard for squalor which is appalling. The rubbish and little that you see everywhere you go, the dirt and grime, the awful street food sellers with their wares looking as if it already had every bug known to man on it … my dinner consisted of a visit to KFC as at least I was assured of a semblance of cleanliness and hygiene .. is not attractive, or edgy as some people might think …. It is just rather most unattractive.

I went for a lateish (8pm) night walk in search of the famous Al Khalili market which is famous for all its Islamic artefacts and drew a blank, despite comprehensive directions.

All I managed to do was to delve ever deeper into the local ‘tat’ market with acres and acres of Chinese made products on display as far as the eye can see. No quality, no interesting things to see, just a mass of people buying a mass of cheap goods. I got as far as I dared go and then returned back to the hotel.

The only thing I found interesting is that for the entire 1 ½ hours walking I did not see one single other Westerner. I was quite literally the only on out there. Neither did I see another westerner one my trip on the underground …. Either I am doing it all wrong or there really are few tourists about other than the ones than little all the tourist sites having stepped off buses.

By the time I returned to the hotel it was past 9 o’clock and whilst I was tempted to go out again with a driver and go to the proper Al Khalili market, I settled into the bar of the Windsor Hotel instead.

Whilst sitting in the dark and dingy bar I wrote a review for Tripadvisor on the place which I am afraid was pretty scathing. 

I submitted it to the site and then thought no more about it and went to bed.

Next morning I was up at about 9 and went downstairs for a ghastly breakfast (is there ANYTHING this hotel can do properly other than live on its past) and caught a taxi to the Al Khalili market.

AL KHALILI MARKET

I set off next to a mosque and dived headlong into the market. I walked down the alleys and walkways ever deeper, and seemed to delve ever further into a market which whilst somewhat more interesting than the one I had visited yesterday, which was just plain unattractive, was still pretty uninteresting when compared to come of the other markets I have visited both here and elsewhere.

The thing that one becomes most aware of is the utter filth. Unkempt and dirty can be ‘atmospheric’ or ‘typical’ or whatever, but this was just disgusting.

Whatever you passed which might have been interesting to look at, you had to have one eye constantly on what you were walking in or on. On and on I went taking photos where I could and interacting with the people as best I could. As usual the friendliness of the people was overwhelming and as usual the lack of one single other Westerner in the market was also very noticeable.

My interest was to find a leather holdall to take my stuff back to Luxor. I have bought a large suitcase with all my 6 weeks worth of clothes, but I had nothing but a wicker basket in which to transport it.

I got talking to a delightful English speaking man who offered to show me around. I am in no doubt he was an official guide, but his way of introducing himself was subtlety personified and so I was delighted to avail myself of his services.

He really was utterly charming and took me all over the parts of the market I had not seen, including a visit to an old boy who makes those boxes one buys and then has no idea what to do with, and the spice market, where, as usual saffron was the thing they pushed hard! 

It simply wasn’t saffron. They can say what they like, but it wasn’t. Just because it ledt a red mark on some paper (and ‘this one doesn’t”!) it doesn’t mean I am taking in by it. `nd anyway, I always buy saffron on Ebay!

I HAGGLE FOR A BAG

I was lastly taken by my new friend to a leather factory, or emporium, which mainly consisted of a large room in his house where a vast number of leather bags were stored.

I was introduced to the son of the owner who plied me with tea – one sugar please – and biscuits, and promptly started to unload all his wares around my feet.

I always get a little embarrassed when they do this and head, for about 10 seconds down the “im feeling guilty” path as they go to so much trouble.

But I soon recovered and explained exactly what it was I wanted and said I didn’t really want to see anything else.

More tea followd, and more biscuits! We sat on the ground looking through all his stock (which was prodigious!) with me admiring of dismissing all that he had to show me with good humour! 

Finally he produced a bag of about the right size, a nice colour (sort of terracotta) and so I seized on that and made it the topic of negotiation.

I always find it best to chose what it is you actually want and then stick to it, however hard they try and make you lose your bottle and choose something else. It just confises everything and you tend to lose your concentration in the haggling process,

We started off at E£570 (an odd price) and so I rolled my eyes, smiled and made the usual “Oh My God” sort of ‘you must be joking” comment.

“But if you go market you will find them for about 800.  Here we factory”

“Well, quite … that’s why I am here … I want to deal with you direct rather than a trader. Market sells rubbish”

I finger the bag a bit, throw it around a bit, bend the leather back and forth

“It very strong!!” Say something nice about it

“well, yes, but you have no idea how much stuff I put in a bag” as I fiddle with the handles.

“Yes, but I it break you bring it back!”

“What, all the way to Cairo!! You had better give me a discount so I can pay for the flight” (Good one that!!)

“OK, I give you 550”

“Flights to Cairo are more than that”

We actually remain on this tack for a while and the price comes down to 500.

“More tea (Vicar?)!?”

“So what your price?” Give me good price.  What you pay?”

At this point I put on a look I have ppractised for years … a sort of mix between despair and confusion with maybe a little pathos thrown in for good measure  (your usual look! Ed.) and take some time to answer, looking intently at the bag and then at the ceiling, or anywhere but the man I am dealing with!

I then dramatically turn by head to the man, look him straight in the eyes with as serious a look on my face I can muster and say “Ok, I like it, but I pay you 300”  

I actually mean I am prepared to pay 350 and that is that, but I have left myself a little wiggle room

At this point an equally well practised look comes on the face of the trader … along the lines of “This man really is an idiot: and he laughs!

“You crazy man!” he says, to which I normally say that indeed I am … in more ways than one. I also throw another practised look … rather reproachful, resigned to the fact look … as I say this!

The process now carries on over a period of time as I step up in increments of 5 and he descends in decreases of 25’s until we meet somewhere around 400 with three more cups of tea inside me!

I think the idea here is that they know at some point I am going to have to ask for their loo at which point I will ‘owe them one” so I tighten every muscle I can , determined to stay the course for as long as possible.

Well, in the end I haul out my wallet (commitment!) and fish out my E£350 and slam them on the ground.

I am afraid it usually does the trick, the sight of real notes on the floor!

My friend capitulates, slaps his thighs and proffers a hand and we “high five” as the deal is done.

The bag is quite nice, but not up to much. It is a nice colour and camelskin is pretty strong, but I am under no illusion that within a month or so one of the straps will have broken.

But for now its all I need, I didn’t pay a lot and I can return home again without carrying my worldly possessions in a wicker basket!

After looking around another Mosque with a splendid view over Cairo and whose name I have forgotten, I head in a taxi back to the hotel.

I GET INTO TROUBLE

As soon as I walk in I can sense there is an awkward atmosphere. People are very polite and seemingly overdoing it with me.

Suddenly a rather nice elderly man appears around the corner and introduces himself as the owner of the hotel.

I know instantly what has happened. Tripadvisor has published my scathing report. 

Indeed it has, and the owner, very calmly and quietly explains he would like to talk to me about it and invites me for lunch.

We sit down in the bar and I am introduced to his 101 year old father (the son is 72) and am offered lunch.

My report has clearly surprised him and says it will badly affect his business.  I immediately offer to go on to Tripadvisor and remove my report (you can!) which seems to surprise and please him. He says I thus seem a reasonable man.

I then spend just the most delightful and interesting 2 hours discussing a variety of topics, including of course the state of his hotel.

Look, by any standards the place is a tip. An absolute disgrace. There is no doubt about that at all, with the public rooms and the reception the worst of all. 

My new friend explains that he is doing up the rooms slowly, and one by one. He shows me one and clearly this is true.

But I venture to suggest that I find it hard to understand why he is doing up the rooms when there are no visitors (13% occupancy) and that he has not touched the lobby and other public areas which are what makes the initial impression on guests.

“Well, we are waiting til we can put marble in the lobby!”

Marble!! Are you mad … if there is so little business now and in the foreseeable future, why on earth spend that sort of money on putting marble in the lobby, especially when there are marble effect tiles there already!!

He seems to take the point. I warm to my theme and suggest that for now, all he needs do is to hire some hard working decorators, buy a container full of whitewash, an industrial tin of Brasso and some lead paint and paint everything white and the entrance porch black!!

He is intrigued … I continue (I feel I do ‘legacy’ rather well!) … put some candles in the bar, make the lighting more interesting, put a couple of planters in front of your entrance, put all the old photos of “the past” together, in new frames, in one place, polish your famous lift til it gleams, buy 100 yards of red carpet, reprint the menus that are stained and old and, for now … hey presto!

He promises to do it all … but will he? 

Of course not!

Lunch ends at about 5pm (excellent fresh soup, grille chicken and rice … always a favourite) and I consider going back to meet my guide again, but decide against it. It’s too late and I am not sure I want to face all the crowds all over again.

RETURN TO THE AIRPORT

Instead we head to the airport early via the Iskland of Zamalek … meant to be the smarter end of town. All the embassies and expensive houses are there.

We flog over the bridge, taking ages because of the lung choking traffic everywhere – it is after all rush hour – and when we get there, it seems the place is not discernibly different to the rest of town, apart from the usual absurdly glittery shops that litter such places.

I get out of the car a few times to try and take a look at the Nile but we are pounced on my police or security people who insist we move on immediately. As they are armed you don’t argue.

We press on and soon are back on the main part of town heading towards Heliopolis and the Airport.

I haven’t enjoyed my 48 or so hour in Cairo. Seeing the Museum was of course a must and the absolute highlight. Wonderful, and something everyone should see. It is to my mind the epitome of ‘living history; and to stand there and consider everything that has happened to that little statue over 4000 years is quite remarkable.

I am afraid the rest of what I saw was plain disgusting. Squalid, fetid, dusty and unclean … there was, to be honest, nothing to recommend it.

I have been to many towns often described as the same, but always you see glimpses of charm and the presence of something special. Rajpath and that general areafor instance in Delhi, a town that if compared to Cairo.

No, Cairo isn’t in the same league, and one thing is for sure, I shall not be returning.

ONE LAST EVENT

As I mentioned I booked my return flight to Luxor more or less as soon as I arrived at the Hotel.

I may be stupid but when it comes to booking flights I think I am reasonably expert, and so I book a flight at 11pm which would suit a full day in Cairo before returning home.

I have to admit I didn't check the confirmation Email I received but as I was pretty sure what I was doing didn't really feel the need!

I thus arrived at the airport on time at 21.30 ... only to be told, upon inspection of my ticket, that I had booked a flight at 20.45 and that the flight was indeed already in Luxor! I couldn't believe it ... I was unable to take the flight I had originally book as it was full ... and so had to stay the night in a hotel near the airport (Novotel ... boring but adequate!) and return to Luxor the following morning!

Oh, the joys of travel!